John Carter – Movie Review

By: Too many to list—check out the review, or better yet, IMDB it.

The Story: Some of these aliens are green, but they aren’t all little, nor definitely all men.

The Review: It’s only fair to warn you that prior to watching this movie, I had zero knowledge of the Barsoom series or mythos other than a vague recollection that Dejah Thoris is a comics series that DS reviews on this site.  In fact, that very fact was the tipping point which actually got me to the theater to watch the film.  I figured it’d be a decent way to spend two hours of free time and get a little work out of it, too.

In the end, that’s all John Carter really is: a decent way to spend two hours of free time.  Disney obviously spared no expense in making the movie, as the cinematography and special effects make it already one of the most lavish and spectacular visual feasts of the year.  The location scouts should be well compensated, as their choice of locales truly evokes the dusty, Martian landscape of our dreams.  Beyond that, the very design of the Barsoom races and their cultures meets a Star Wars standard of detail, implying much that the script does not point out explicitly.

On that note, it should be little surprise that if there’s one area Disney shortchanged, it was in the writing.  This is particularly distressing, as Michael Chabon (if this is indeed the same who wrote the wonderful Adventures of Kavalier & Clay) is one of the credited writers.  But the script lacks not so much in quality or credibility as it does in cohesiveness.

The opening is the first and most obvious example: disjointed, jarring, uncertain of how to proceed, it feels as if the three writers each had different ideas of the beginning and instead of choosing one, they went for all three.  You start with Dejah’s “epic” voiceover setting up the exposition to the main plot; Carter’s epistolary voiceover to his nephew narrating the film’s main events after the fact; and then the actual start of the action itself.  Each of these would have worked well on their own, but combined, they make for an overly long prologue, dragging down the pace from the very start.

Problems in pacing dog the movie along its entire length, excepting a portion of the second act.  Once Carter actually gets to Mars—excuse me, Barsoom—the energy hits a lively plateau, with fun running gags, a truckload of action, and some interesting developments in the war between Helium and Zodanga as well as the history of Barsoom itself.  Once the film transitions into its third act, it becomes clear the writers tried to squeeze in too much at once.  Carter’s battle in the Arena for command of the Tharks feels highly truncated and rushed, while other scenes feel completely pointless (his invasion of Zodanga, only to find it empty, for example).

From the limited information I gained on the Barsoom series, I can conclude the writers wanted to take the pure, pulpy, adventurous spirit of the original stories but also add a contemporary layer of depth to it, a tactic I usually support with no reservations.  But considering the weak, underwritten fashion in which the script tackles Carter’s tragic Civil War experiences and how they tie into a vague theme about the righteousness of war, I’d say these elements feel more like distractions than anything else.  It would’ve been wiser to concentrate on clarifying the origins of Barsoom and the importance of the Ninth Ray, your classic MacGuffin if you’ve ever seen one.

Nearly all the film’s problems could be forgiven or overlooked with strong characterization (e.g. Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean, which Disney obviously wants John Carter to be a sci-fi version of).  Unfortunately, the two main protagonists just don’t have what it takes to carry to any greater height than it is.  Taylor Kitsch as Carter and Lynn Collins as Dejah are likable enough and at least never get annoying, but they don’t assert much personality.  They’re not helped by the fact that the writers don’t have the surest handle on the characters’ voices and portrayals, switching from one personality type to the other as the plot demands.

Conclusion: I know nothing of the comics or original stories, but I can already tell that John Carter is a valiant but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to capture their appeal.  A visually delightful film whose merely adequate writing means a lot of effort was put in for little gain.

Grade: C+

– Minhquan Nguyen

Some Musings: – Lord, the Therns were correct in their assessment that Carter made zero gains in intellect on his journey to Barsoom; how dumb do you have to be to throw away such an important device (possibly one with all the answers to everyone’s problems) just to symbolize your new life status?